I can’t listen to caamp without thinking of you. They dedicated this song to you at their last show. 26 years wasn’t enough time for you to be here.
It still doesn’t feel real to me that you’re not here. That I won’t walk into some random store in my hometown and see you there coming to give me a hug. I went a few days without crying but the past two days it’s hit me all over again that you’re gone. You were so special Sage. You made everyone you talked to feel so special and important to you. I’ll never forget when I was 19 you showed up at my door and dressed me up in drag clothes, we went out in the town and pretended we were in the 20s. Bold lipstick, bulky jewelry, we danced at the bar to 20s music on a random Tuesday in January. Fur coat and all. We stayed up all night that night. You told me about growing up with your dad. We talked about your mom. We told each other all the trauma and all the things we wanted in life. That was one of the best nights of my life Sage. I felt alive and free. I felt fun. And it breaks my heart you’re gone Sage. You were one of a kind. I hope you know how much I loved you and adored you. I’ll never forget working with you, staying up all night, the pizza nights, the crazy party nights. Hearing you come into the juicery and someone would tell me “You’re boyfriend is here!” And I immediately knew it was you. My gay boyfriend or course. I’ll miss it all. All of it. I’m so sorry I distanced myself when I got pregnant. I’m so sorry I didn’t check on you more. Everytime we spoke you told me you were hanging in there and I should’ve checked in more. I should’ve been there more. I should’ve helped you more. This hurts so bad. It’s been weeks and it still hurts so bad. You would’ve been so pissed at your funeral. We all were for you. You are so beautiful on the inside and out. The most talented yet troubled soul and you deserved more than the hand you were dealt. I hope you’re at peace. I hope you’re holding Teddy. I love you so so much. I don’t know when or if this gets any easier. I’ll miss you forever.
Make sure you’re remembering correctly and not creating a perfect world that didnt exist. It hurt. Not feeling safe, or loved, valued, or heard. Asking for things I shouldn’t have ever had to ask for. I was incredibly insecure and it got to a point there was nothing to be done because I wasn’t being heard. You didn’t care about me or my feelings, and all you wanted to Do was lust after any woman you could come across
I forgave a long time ago for my own well-being. what I want you to now is forgive yourself and love yourself so you can give the next one all of the things I wanted But never received. Honesty. Loyalty. No thirsting after others. Dates. To be listened to, really listened to without being shamed. In order to do that you need to take full accountability for your lying, games, manipulation and actually grow as a person instead of staying stagnant. I will cherish every moment regardless because it made me into who I am today, and I loved you. You were my first love. But I am madly happy in love with someone else now. Who gives me all of things I need and I never once had to ask. I’m the happiest I have ever been in my life. Its okay to let go. It’s okay to forgive yourself. I promise you will heal and you will find someone who will make you realize why it never worked out between us. There was always too much damage and deep down you know that. It will be okay, I promise you will be okay. Don’t let the darkness consume you or you’ll always be the same and absolutely nobody wants that version of you.
It is okay to not be proud of your past, but don’t let it chain you down and drag you back to the same place you were. You don’t have to live in constant shame of who you were. Forgive yourself, because back then you didn’t have the hindsight you do now, and try to ask forgiveness to those you’ve hurt, including yourself. I find that the hardest person to forgive is usually ourselves. Let’s not drag the past into 2022. Let’s stop carrying all this shame, this guilt, let’s stop cringing at who we used to be. Bring something new to the next year: self-forgiveness.
